Whenever the first week of June approaches, I once more hear the footsteps of another year, the arrival of another birthday.
I hear the knock at my door, and there it stands – an unwelcome salesman – with an updated catalogue of wrinkle creams, dyes, diets, medications and a new list of anxieties, depressions and furies. Everything, of course, at a reduced price: a special deal for the birthday girl.
I slam the door in its face and yell out the window to get the hell off my lawn. I am not interested in these inferior gifts.
But there are others to which I have given some thought. Now, I am not registered at any store – Crate & Barrel will not have any of these, trust me – but I thought I would list them here, for your buying comfort. Please note that I have given you an entire week to complete your shopping.
Aubrey’s Birthday List:
Aubrey would like to see the extermination of all insects. Butterflies are exempt, because they are pretty and show no interest in invading my apartment.
The death penalty for any person guilty of animal cruelty.
Aubrey would appreciate the elimination of Summer. Just allow Autumn to be awesome for a few extra months. Easy.
Aubrey would like Daenerys Targaryen Stormborn, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi of the Dothraki, Trueborn Queen of the Andals, Rhoynar, and the First Men, and Lady of the Seven Kingdoms to cross the Narrow Sea, already.
A swimming pool. There isn’t much room in back of the Aubrey apartment complex, but have a word with the Lovely Landlord. He’s very nice.
A year of potato salad. Each month, a different recipe. Some with bacon, some with mustard, some with mayonnaise, some with Miracle Whip, etc. And in December ALL ingredients would be used.
A few days ago, Aubrey saw a whisper-thin young man dressed in skinny black jeans. He wore a baseball cap with the bill turned not to the front, not to the back, but sideways. Find him and have him arrested, please.
The daily fumigation of all buses – and most bus riders. Yesterday Aubrey watched a young man scratch his ears, scalp and rub his eyes for nearly 10 minutes STRAIGHT. It’s not that she wanted to watch, yet at the same time she couldn’t look away.
Aubrey would like an audience with whomever decides on the choice of exhibits for the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. Dear Whomever: stop trying to be clever. Featuring artists that inspire discussion is good; featuring artists that merely inspire a dialogue as to whether that artist is good or CRAP is bad. Also, Aubrey does not like Impressionism. Let this be your guide.
Aubrey would like to have dinner with Benedict Cumberbatch.
Aubrey does not like working in Culver City. She would like her job to be moved somewhere prettier.
Now, obviously Aubrey wishes for world peace. As to that, she believes that certain representatives of the world kitten population has that in hand. Do you think I kid? What war can commence/continue in the face of this?
So this is my list. I hope you don’t find me too unreasonable! My lovely landlord has given me a new floor and carpets, so the Aubrey residence is looking most palatial. My party will be shiny and witty and will be, like dragons or any other type of magic, hard to ignore and difficult to forget.
I do hope you can attend. I long to see you.