The Birthday List

Whenever the first week of June approaches, I once more hear the footsteps of another year, the arrival of another birthday.

I hear the knock at my door, and there it stands – an unwelcome salesman – with an updated catalogue of wrinkle creams, dyes, diets, medications and a new list of anxieties, depressions and furies.  Everything, of course, at a reduced price:  a special deal for the birthday girl.

I slam the door in its face and yell out the window to get the hell off my lawn.  I am not interested in these inferior gifts.

But there are others to which I have given some thought.  Now, I am not registered at any store – Crate & Barrel will not have any of these, trust me – but I thought I would list them here, for your buying comfort.  Please note that I have given you an entire week to complete your shopping.

Aubrey’s Birthday List:

Aubrey would like to see the extermination of all insects.  Butterflies are exempt, because they are pretty and show no interest in invading my apartment.

The death penalty for any person guilty of animal cruelty.

Aubrey would appreciate the elimination of Summer.  Just allow Autumn to be awesome for a few extra months.  Easy.

Aubrey would like Daenerys Targaryen Stormborn, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi of the Dothraki, Trueborn Queen of the Andals, Rhoynar, and the First Men, and Lady of the Seven Kingdoms to cross the Narrow Sea, already.

A swimming pool.  There isn’t much room in back of the Aubrey apartment complex, but have a word with the Lovely Landlord.  He’s very nice.

A year of potato salad.  Each month, a different recipe.  Some with bacon, some with mustard, some with mayonnaise, some with Miracle Whip, etc.  And in December ALL ingredients would be used.

A few days ago, Aubrey saw a whisper-thin young man dressed in skinny black jeans.  He wore a baseball cap with the bill turned not to the front, not to the back, but sideways.  Find him and have him arrested, please.

The daily fumigation of all buses – and most bus riders.  Yesterday Aubrey watched a young man scratch his ears, scalp and rub his eyes for nearly 10 minutes STRAIGHT.  It’s not that she wanted to watch, yet at the same time she couldn’t look away.

Aubrey would like an audience with whomever decides on the choice of exhibits for the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.  Dear Whomever:  stop trying to be clever.  Featuring artists that inspire discussion is good; featuring artists that merely inspire a dialogue as to whether that artist is good or CRAP is bad.  Also, Aubrey does not like Impressionism.  Let this be your guide.

Aubrey would like to have dinner with Benedict Cumberbatch.

Aubrey does not like working in Culver City.  She would like her job to be moved somewhere prettier.

Now, obviously Aubrey wishes for world peace.  As to that, she believes that certain representatives of the world kitten population has that in hand.  Do you think I kid?  What war can commence/continue in the face of this?

My Parents' Cat:  she's put on 7.5 pounds since this picture was taken

My Parents’ Cat: she’s put on 7.5 pounds since this picture was taken

So this is my list.  I hope you don’t find me too unreasonable!  My lovely landlord has given me a new floor and carpets, so the Aubrey residence is looking most palatial.  My party will be shiny and witty and will be, like dragons or any other type of magic, hard to ignore and difficult to forget.

I do hope you can attend.   I long to see you.



17 responses to “The Birthday List

  1. I’m with you on Daenerys and summer and sideways baseball hats, but we part ways at potato salad.

  2. Daughter1’s birthday is June 1. I have her birthday requests – lamb roast dinner and chocolate bundt cake!

  3. Happy Birthday despite…
    and i agree – more Autumn, though our Autumn has been more like summer, with 28C days. Hottest May in recorded history here.

  4. You are wonderful.
    I do hope you get oh so many of your wishes!!!

    Lol about Daenerys.
    Yum at potato salads. Any kind!

    (and death to cruelty) !!!

  5. Perhaps you could consider allowing caterpillars, since they’re necessary for butterflies. Otherwise, an entirely reasonable list. I’m with you on the potato salads, especially, and more autumn would be at the top of my list.

    I hardly can believe a year has passed. May all your wishes come true!

  6. Happy Birthday, Aubrey! I hope the thin young man in black wasn’t my son, because he does that thing with the hat. No idea why. It is a “hipster” thing.

    I love potato salad as well, but the calories all go to my hips. Plus my doctor says diabetes likes potatoes, at least the white ones. So no feeding the diabetes.

    If kittens cannot create world peace, then human beings and civilization are lost. The last art show I saw at my local museum was proof of that. Naked women spattered in paint may provoke discussion, but I simply decided not to renew my annual membership. Why encourage that sort of thing?

  7. Haha!!! Thank you so very much for that giggle – much needed for this week. And many happy wishes to you on your birthday, sans insects, art snobs, or skinny-jean-wearing hipsters. 🙂

  8. aubrey: my wish for your birthday: a month in switzerland at a writing workshop where they let you sip lots of wine and eat lots of potato salad! RT

  9. May your birthday shine with wonder when it arrives! Happy birthday Aubrey

  10. Yes, please arrest that young man. Never subscribed to the sideways or backwards hat thing, but I “wore some stupid stuff” in my day. Spuds MacKenzie sneakers, anyone? Maybe create a “magic mirror” in everyone’s closet that allows us to see what our senior citizen selves would think of our young selves’ wardrobes. Then things like the sideways or three-fourths backwards hat would be straightened out, the “free mustache rides” cap would go back in the closet, the droopy jeans would surely be pulled up and belted. Hopefully the unconventional-but-not-asinine would be looked kindly upon by our older selves so that we didn’t always look like walking JC Penney ads, but a lot of silliness would be eliminated.

  11. Here’s to a happy birthday, by the pool, with Benedict, being spoon fed an array of delectable potato salads. Cheers!

  12. Happy birthday, Aubrey… I agree with many of these – in addition to animal cruelty, I would also make littering a capital offence, and for littering on the beach the death would be extraordinarily slow and painful. You’ve lost me with the potato salad, I confess, although it seems such an unlikely food for anyone to feel passionately about that it can safely be praised as another charming quirk.

  13. M—–l – It’s funny how potato salad can cause such divisions. Is it the potato itself? The creamy, mayonnaise-y deliciousness? The thought of it comforts me, especially as summer draws closer and Daenerys seems content to stay where she is.

    FD – No ‘May Gray’ here either. And what happened to our June Gloom? Surely there is some place I can go to complain.

    Lauri – Thanks! Tomorrow’s the day and I wait nervously to see which – if any – of my wishes come true.

    shoreacres – Caterpillars, OK. They are all as one with the butterfly life cycle. And summer (begins to cry): it’s still technically spring and yet I already feel the air become denser and hotter (continues to cry).

    Hangaku Gozen – Regarding the hipster fellow, I will see that he produces some sort of identification to confirm that he is not yours! Regarding art, I can of course attend an exhibition to say I’ve gone and witnessed the marvelous Edginess of it all, but sod it. I have my Beardsley books and books on 16th and 17th century portraiture (which I’m currently reading) to keep me happy.

    FeyGirl – Thank you for your good wishes – glad my hopeful ones were able to cheer you up!

    Music & Meaning – Cooling it in the mountains with a bottle of Riesling and a vat of potato salad: I certainly would not turn such an opportunity down!

    fifepsychogeography – I look forward to the wonder…what kind of marvel could I see tomorrow? Kittens on the bus? Therapy kittens for all bus riders!!

    trailertrashdeluxe – Me. Junior High. Hot pants. There – I said it.

    Vickie Lester – If BC were anywhere near me, I would be too embarrassed to be wolfing down the salad of potatoes. I would be forced to play it cool with wine, striped palazzo pants, a tank top and an oversized straw hat dipped far enough to let him see that I just had my bob newly cropped at Fantastic Sam’s.

    thehauntedshoreline – Charming quirk? Count me in! I agree about the littering; I see the trash on beaches, on the street, in parks and am frankly stunned. What is it with people?

  14. Happy birthday, Aubrey! Your list makes me want to dress beautifully and throw a party (with multiple potato salads and other treats) in the LACMA courtyard — with the current delightful Oakland cool breezes, since I’m not so fond of summer myself. Let’s invite BC and the most elegant kittens we can find. I wonder if he (and they) will eat potato salad.

  15. Aubrey, your birthday list is both inspiring and hilarious 🙂
    If you do lunch with Benedict, please invite me along. I promise to bring the potato salad.

  16. WordPress has decided that we are no longer fit to be friends, Aubrey. It un-Followed me from your blog. (Not the first time it’s happened). I’ll have to have a little chat with them.

    Swimming pools and picnics (together) bring back fond memories of childhood for me. I love the idea – in ground, I assume? Those are great for midnight swims.

    As a nature guide it’s my job to find beautiful places, so may that be my gift to you? Perhaps Mr. Cumberbatch is hiding out somewhere near a stream…..

  17. Melissa Beckham

    We need insects! Great blog, I just discovered it while looking for Barbara Gould information.

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