Aubrey’s Ultimatum

It is the season.

Within the past two weeks, I have seen a spider crawling up the sleeve of my $90 sweater.  I have seen a dead spider lying in state at the bottom of my purse.  I have heard a cricket scraping away like a demented fiddle in the wall between my kitchen and bathroom.  And tonight I saw – and dealt with – a silverfish in my bathroom.

I have something to say.

To the insect population that has the unmitigated neck to cruise around my apartment:  I know that the weather has been wet and rainy.  But know this:  my apartment is not meant to be a YMCA for your sorry, water-logged asses.  If I catch sight you, you will know it.  You will sense the fear, hear the disgust, and then you will feel my fly swatter getting medieval on your segmented thoraxes.  You might enter my apartment whole, but you will leave it as a curled carcass, and be given a burial at sea, with all flushing rights.  Or you might be immortalized forever on my walls as a dark, non-erasable stain.  It matters not – but death must be the answer.

I know your ways, you nasty, little unwelcome creatures.  You proofs that Nature really did have an "oops!" moment.  I know when and when not to mad dog you.  I know how not to cast my shadow.  I will sneak up on you, a silent assassin, armed with flyswatter and rolled up (and already read) magazine, ready and believe me, my scurrying frirends, willing to engage in battle.

Once you cross the threshhold, you surely must abandon all hope.

So I give you one last chance.

Stay out of my neighborhood.


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16 responses to “Aubrey’s Ultimatum

  1. Hear, hear! I'm with you in spirit.

  2. Guh, silverfish. I hate those little bastards.

  3. *shudders at the thought of spiders* May you conquer the exoskeletal evil!

  4. All insects must die when they are indoors, I agree.I am armed with the same weapons, plus a tuxedo cat who greatly enjoys hitting and chewing small multilegged creatures.

  5. i had a spider inside my car tonight. spotted him while i was driving the 405 and he was crossing my windshield. I have a 2' rule… you can live unless you come within 2' of me. the stupid spider decided to trot across the dash – and I drove like someone on a cell phone while i killed it.

  6. I used to be a kill-all-creepy-crawly person. Now I let spiders live in the hope that they'll eat the moths. As long as they don't try and join me in the shower, they're fine. Wasps, on the other hand, don't stand a chance.

  7. ….I love spiders…..
    Probably makes some kind of weirdo. I do kick them out of the shower though.
    Also, keeping spiders in the house does not work on ants.

  8. I made the following bargain with the house bugs : If I don't see you, I won't kill you.

  9. I didn't know what silverfish were, so I did a Google image search. I would not recommend it.

  10. This…is…waaaaaaaar! Good luck with that one.

  11. You found a dead spider in your purse?!?!(can I borrow it?)Yes, 'tis the season to be wary. Aubrey, you will win battles (don't even bother runnin' bugs! you'll just die tired!) But, you might not win the war.All bugs are, at the least, petty criminals. I'm all for the death penalty in cases of breaking and entering.

  12. Oh poor little incy, wincy! I don't like seeing them anywhere near the bedroom…. can't sleep thinking of it crawling over my face in the dark.

  13. Creepy crawlies…..some are definitely worse than others.

  14. Oh you southern Californians have it so much worse than us. I just have an army of ants. I gave them an ultimatum last month. It's been an ant massacre around these parts ever since.

  15. LOL!! Great post! Can I invite you to stand in our living room and give an oral presentation?
    I actually like spiders as long as they're gnashing and devouring all other sick, evil, twisted jerkbrain insects in sight. I had to remove a junebug last summer and I was shaking and sweating like a poisoned Lifetime character by the time I was done.

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