Grendel In My Closet

And lo, on the first day of the third month from the quarter of year of the three syllables, there came a Beast.

Riven from the depths, roused from the dark, dragged from the deepest well of closet space, where the frail and timid Aubrey was loth to venture – nay, only when the skies did frown and the winds did bite dare she trembling cross the fearsome threshold, that she might gain a wrap, or coat, or sweater, or even a snappy windbreaker.

So it was on that day when Aubrey was inspired to wander once more into the deep of that great and terrible place.  And lo, did she look, and lo did her brow furrow and her soul tremble.  Knoweth she well that the clean doth abide with the godly and get did she see naught but filth and clutter and things she really wasn't interested in keeping anymore.

And she did toil, that the closet might smell sweetly once more, that its walls might be visible again, that its foulness might disappear forever and that the clans might rejoice once more.

And behold, did Aubrey drag forth journals of ancient papers, cloths of many years, boxes and mattresses, and yea did they share much age together.

Yet anon, when the DVD player doth play, and Carnivale doth appear on the TV screen – which Aubrey did verily glory in – did the Beast appear.  Of legs there were six, of antennae there were two, of thorax there was one, of eyes there were legion; its color was that of the earth:  yea, did not the ancient rune sayeth that such hordes shall one day inherit the earth? 

Aubrey was stricken mute with terror.  God Pan liveth, for Panic yet there was, but even so did Aubrey remain motionless and full of fear.  Yet after it did show its compound eyes to the bright world, the Beast did disappear.  But though the word had vanished, yet did its meaning remain.  And Aubrey was afraid.

Then did the blessings of reason cool Aubrey's feverish mind.  Then did clarity of thought become as a crystal through which the light of comforting thought may shineth.  Forsooth, the Beast may not leap as the cricket of terrifying memory.  And the Beast doth not jump as the click beetle, which maketh waste to acres of human endeavor.  Verily, the Beast doeth naught except look disgusting.

And so did Aubrey gather the courage of her ancestors, of Italy and Russia, and so did she arm herself with the mighty flyswatter of Antioch.  And verily, did she wait.

And when the Beast did once more appear, lo did Aubrey smite upon it again and yet again, until the Beast was still and dead, and layeth in many pieces.  Then did Aubrey look down upon it and yea, did she cry upon the defeated Beast:

"HURTS, DON'T IT?"

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28 responses to “Grendel In My Closet

  1. Thus Aubrey, her Mighty Valour fed by generations of borscht and spaghetti, declared, "The Beast is vanquished! Let there be Light!" and there was.

  2. Yeah, thou art mine hero!

  3. i make that Aubrey 1, Beast 0.

  4. She cleaned a closet and she cleaned it's clock. Don't mess with Aubrey.
    Dang Aubrey, haven't had a "hurts Don't it" in a few years. You probably could have gotten away with a "slug bug" in this case.

  5. <batcat> You're so brave, Aubrey! You don't need me watching over you anymore. All hail the mighty bug-hunter!</batcat>

  6. [this is also really funny]

  7. heeeheee, now I'm tempted to write my paper in the same style! *and they unearthed the sediment from the Holy Corer, and discovered to their horror that it was mightily disturbed…*

  8. Very brave, indeed! Good work, Aubrey!

  9. So brave so fearless. So heroic. LOL.

  10. I like this bit here: "of thorax there was one, of eyes there were legion; its color was that
    of the earth: yea, did not the ancient rune sayeth that such hordes
    shall one day inherit the earth?"Now you can sew yourself a belt to wear in recognition of your brave deede.

  11. LOL, valorous Aubrey.

  12. Grrr….
    Evidently I have failed in my teachings about gentle creatures lovingly placed outside.
    A pox on thee!

  13. Yea, verily, the 'hood of Aubrey didst rejoice with her.

  14. Gah! you have caught my Egyptian plagues!

  15. Suga': And don't forget the chianti and vodka!
    DB: Is it wrong to admit that I didn't know what 'slug bug' meant until very recently?
    LM: Please tell Batcat that I will always need the Might Paw of Insect Judgement by my side.
    fatcat: And the paper shall be mighty, and good. And the words shall be strong as the deer in the forest, and they shalt be as arrows strung upon the bow of fatcat's thesis. Forsooth!
    emily: I'll just carve another notch in the 'swatter.
    (poor deluded) woofie: Pox willingly taken. Can't help it.
    kRista: Take it away! Take it away! And if you don't take it away…Run away! Run away!

  16. "dragged from the deepest well of closet space." Hold it right there. (check comments)No no. Not reading! Bye-bye.

  17. Verily, thou hast slain the dread monster. Thou are truly my hero — for surely suche monsters do make me tremble with stark fear.

  18. you're a knightess in shining armor aubrey. well done!

  19. HEE!!! All hail the brave and venerable Aubrey!

  20. LMfreakinAO, Aubrey!! Ye of hyperbolic aptitude and arachnidic terror, which hath now, in collusion the both, maketh me laff outright!

  21. LOL!Yea verily, and ever afterward, the villagers didst watch their DVD without fear that the Beast might slink upon them and defile their viewing pleasure.

  22. How did I miss this????It has everything — pathos, horror, fear, bravery, triumph.And a clean closet.

  23. I also missed this. Thou hast slain the Jabberwock! Oh frabjous day, callooh, callay!

  24. Brava!But just wait until the Beast's mama comes looking for you…;)

  25. I applaud your strength and courage in vanquishing your cursed foe! You have inspired me to crush my own bug enemies with much more panache.

  26. I fiercely vanquished nought but a mere dust mouse t'other day. Thought of you and this post. Or was it because of the thought of this post…

  27. O Parody, how I lovest thee!Sorry to intrude on a dead thread, but Doug mentioned this post in QoTD: Best Blog of '07 and yea, verily, I was moved to comment, for thus it 'twas good, and is good, forever and ever.

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