Actually, it was chosen for me. Type. Dosage. Time of dosage. I had my instructions: a single sentence which sentenced me to 12 hours of hell that would dearly test my intestinal fortitude, insult my taste buds and shatter my bowels.
Ingest this allotment, and you're granted a type of internal combustion a Camaro can only dream of.
And to add insult to injury: NO FOOD.
OK. First things first. I'm just going to say it. It's not shameful. It's not embarrassing. It's on everyone's mind, so let's just get it out in the open: LAXATIVE.
There – that wasn't so bad.
Now the 'irrigation' – of 'fear-igation', as I've come to call it - one has to endure the day before the procedure involves drinking Hades in a bottle. Liquid Lucifer. Clear, viscous, sodium-laden, it causes an immediate esophageal melt-down. The throat, quite literally, closes ranks and declares 'on ne passe pas'. And why Fleet thought that tinting this liquid with a ginger-lemon flavor would make the laxative any less noxious is an utter mystery.
So I thought that if I poured it into a martini glass, a wineglass, a shot glass and a jolly little mini-mug, it would make the whole business easier to stomach (haha, a little laxative humor for you):
Anyway, from 4PM Wednesday until Thursday morning (the colonoscopy was scheduled for 6:30AM; I had to be at the surgery center at 5:30) I came to know porcelain very well.
Frankly, the center was delightful. Cheerful nurses, warm blankets, little booties for my feet, an eccentric anesthesiologist (Blue Cross, just so everyone knows, doesn't cover anesthesia costs, so I had to have a check for $300 ready – which I clutched in my weary hands like a paper Grail. He was so delighted that I actually had a check signed and ready that he kissed my hand)…really, a charming experience, if it wasn't for the fact that I was about to be photographed from my very worst angle.
And then suddenly I was awake. It was a wonderful sunny day, it was Autumn, and the world was full of polyp-free possibilities.
Yes. Aubrey's pipes are clean.
(p.s. after careful consideration, it was decided NOT to post photographs)