Choose Your Poison

Actually, it was chosen for me.  Type.  Dosage.  Time of dosage.  I had my instructions:  a single sentence which sentenced me to 12 hours of hell that would dearly test my intestinal fortitude, insult my taste buds and shatter my bowels.

Two bottles

Three ounces.

Four glasses.

Ingest this allotment, and you're granted a type of internal combustion a Camaro can only dream of.

And to add insult to injury: NO FOOD.

Am I making myself clear?  You know what I'm talking about.

That's right.   

OK.  First things first.  I'm just going to say it.  It's not shameful.  It's not embarrassing.  It's on everyone's mind, so let's just get it out in the open:  LAXATIVE.

There – that wasn't so bad.

Now the 'irrigation' – of 'fear-igation', as I've come to call it - one has to endure the day before the procedure involves drinking Hades in a bottle.  Liquid Lucifer.  Clear, viscous, sodium-laden, it causes an immediate esophageal melt-down.  The throat, quite literally, closes ranks and declares 'on ne passe pas'.  And why Fleet thought that tinting this liquid with a ginger-lemon flavor would make the laxative any less noxious is an utter mystery.

So I thought that if I poured it into a martini glass, a wineglass, a shot glass and a jolly little mini-mug, it would make the whole business easier to stomach (haha, a little laxative humor for you): 

Anyway, from 4PM Wednesday until Thursday morning (the colonoscopy was scheduled for 6:30AM; I had to be at the surgery center at 5:30) I came to know porcelain very well.

Frankly, the center was delightful.  Cheerful nurses, warm blankets, little booties for my feet, an eccentric anesthesiologist (Blue Cross, just so everyone knows, doesn't cover anesthesia costs, so I had to have a check for $300 ready – which I clutched in my weary hands like a paper Grail.  He was so delighted that I actually had a check signed and ready that he kissed my hand)…really, a charming experience, if it wasn't for the fact that I was about to be photographed from my very worst angle.

And then suddenly I was awake.  It was a wonderful sunny day, it was Autumn, and the world was full of polyp-free possibilities.

Yes.  Aubrey's pipes are clean. 

(p.s. after careful consideration, it was decided NOT to post photographs)

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19 responses to “Choose Your Poison

  1. Oh Aubrey! There really isn't a high level of… elegance… associated with that procedure! You poor duck! Good to know that everything came back a-ok.

  2. YAY!You did it! Way to GO!Heee…sorry about that one….but….what a relief to have it over with!I am avoiding a colonoscopy just for that reason…the damn prep. I had to go through all that for my hysterectomy and although at the time I thought it was quite a cleansing experience, I really don't want to do it again soon.

  3. Glad to hear you have the all-clear. I'll drink to your health (as long as it's not some kind of pipecleaning drink!)

  4. You can make a colonoscopy sound charming and amusing?? I'm just glad you use your powers for good.
    Glad you're healthy inside and out! 🙂

  5. glad it all turned out well – my aunt is subjected to these on a fairly regular (ha) basis due to a medical condition – I've heard enough stories about it to last a lifetime, but yours made it all fresh and clean and new again (double ha)

  6. Only you could write a classy post about a colonoscopy and laxatives!
    Glad you got the all-clear, LOL@ the martini glass, wine glass, shot glass & mini mug tactic!
    and *snerk*
    Fleet was the name of the little black kitty at Petsmart that wanted to come home with me on Saturday. I think he's more charming and welcome than your Fleet! 😉

  7. Poor Aubrey! No way to class-ify a basically declass-ifying experience, but you did your best… Glad you're all squeaky clean. *quickly erases image from consciousness*

  8. Yay! I'm glad that you got the " all clear " / thumbs up regarding the results!!I know 2 people who had it done just recently, too — they BOTH totally agree with you regarding the preparation part . . . And both of them said " one minute they were laying there waiting for it to begin and the VERY NEXT minute they were being told it was all over. " Thank GOD for anesthesia!!Glad it's over for you!( we lubb you but thanks for not sharing any pics with us!! )&:o)

  9. Oh lawsy… Fleet's PhosphoSoda… Sadistic bastages is what they are. That ain't no soda. A soda has bubbles and ice cream and strawberries and whipped cream and comes in a beautiful class so you can see the pretty red berries and white lovely ice cream, and a long spoon and a straw to get out ALL the bits.I love anaesthesia. I think everyone should have some at least once a month. It's like flying on an airplane without the time lag – one minute you are someplace, the next minute you are someplace else.So happy to know you're fine on the insides!

  10. Eep! Now I want to put this off even longer, if possible, but I've been avoiding it for about 2 &1/2 years (a lot like Lauri) and …. well, as others have said, Aubrey, you've actually made this sound classy.Yuk.

  11. I always heard the prep was way worse than the procedure, but for mine, I only got a sedative, not put right out, so the procedure was just as bad. Glad you're squeaky clean!

  12. Glad to hear you are all free and clear! Interesting how every word takes a new turn when associated with bowel movements. These comments have been hilarious.
    At least it's done, over and out.

  13. I have a friend who gets these fairly often; if you can't tolerate the stuff you drink, you can go for the fast-for-two days option. … I think the glasses are classy & am forwarding your post 🙂

  14. Hey, I'm that friend! Bet even with 48 hours of fasting you have to trink two shots of phosphosoda. I think I'm going to get some nice glasses to take it down with next time. Oh, and mix it with some ginger ale – that helps. Pretend it's a Jack and ginger.But I have to say that the Fleet Phosphosoda is the *tolerable* stuff! The true liquid evil is Golightly (not sure of the spelling). A full gallon of thick, clear, pineapple-flavored evil that will clear you out if you can keep it down. Avoid it at all costs. I tried it *once* and cannot tolerate the idea again, hence the 48 hours of fasting.Congratulations on getting it done! And thanks for sharing!

  15. Riss: I'm happy to say that I am, in every sense of the word, "in the pink"
    Lauri: Sounds like some sort of mental blockage to me.
    Gamba: Liquid Lax's will forever be sipping drinks – I can't visualize anyone chugging it down.
    Alex: It's just one more thing you can look forward to!
    arbed: Poor aunt! My one 'perfect stomr' was quite enough for me.
    La Pants: I SCRUBBED those glasses with soap and detergent, but I don't think I can ever use them again!
    JP: Yep, my innards are practically glowing.
    YGRS: No pictures – are you sure? Think about it, and get back to me tomorrow.
    snoringKatz: Testify! Pretty berries! Lovely ice cream! Really, the name on the bottle gave me no warning at all.
    e2c: Well, I wanted to go into a little more detail; for instance I skipped the part when…
    Forget it.
    Laurie: That's it? After all that, I hope the results were 'serene and clean'.
    AmyH: It's the language of the bowel, my friend, and everyone speaks it.
    BB: A two-day fast would have been BLISS. This has got to be a conspiracy launched by the laxative manufacturers.
    Stretts: Hi! I didn't think I was allowed by drink anything else but that Fleet brew; and I was dying for just a sip of water to wash that awful taste out of my mouth!

  16. Ye gads! I will never, ever be able to think of Breakfast at Tiffany's the same way again.

  17. You know, there's research and development in creating a new kind of test, in which imaging could be done from outside. Of course, drinking something will still be part of the process, but it won't be like it is now.Bring it on, I say!!!!

  18. Cry 'Havoc'!
    e2c has thrown down the intestinal gauntlet!

  19. Yay clean pipes! Perhaps the lovely glasses could go to the back of the cupboard until the nightmare has faded.

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