“You Will Never Find…

 …a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

This is what I was thinking as we stood by the window of the media room, looking down like unkept gods, upon the floor of the Los Angeles Convention Center, where Erotica L.A. was becoming progressively more unhinged.

Working in the media room at ELA means that you will be checking in journalists, film crews, photographers, producers, etc. who want to cover the event, write their stories nd submit them to their stations, websites or publications.  Or maybe they just want to get in for free and look at the ladies in the fishnet bodysuits.

It means that we check the credentials for outlets with alot of 'X''s in their namaes.  It means that we have to review business cards which more often than not feature name, company, address, email address and a photo of a woman without any pants.

Friday and Saturday I pulled nine-hour days working in that room with its mint-colored walls and coffee pots which were NEVER REFILLED.  A couple of times porn actresses would wanter in – these women were invariably petite (the camera and zoom lens always add at least ten pounds) – to give a 'serious' interview, the host no doubt barely holding on to his sanity.  The interviews were on Friday, and I was grateful for that, because I was in there from 2-11PM, and I needed the entertainment.

Still, the visits to the restroom were festive.   That was because it was kept dark as an energy-saving device until you walk in and then the lights flare up and you feel as if the paparazzi were jumping out of the stalls to greet you.

Saturday was interesting, because I rode up with my parents whom, to my horrified delight, wanted to stay and check out the naughty extravaganza themselves.  I certainly was not interested in seeing wht they bought.  (It turned out that they left empty-handed, though they took plenty of photos:  mother in front of a 20 ft. poster of Stormy Daniels, for instance.)  Saturday was also notable because one of my fabulous  Vox friends showed up to greet semi-fabulous Aubrey and the dash downstairs to join the festivities.

Finally, shortly after 9PM I ventured out myself.

As I later confessed to my rather disappointed co-workers, I have a nose for non-porn.  I walk by the glass…structures, the vibrators, the various items that lift and separate, but I can find jewelry if I had my lights punched out, was then blindfolded, and then put in a darkened room.  I could always sniff out the baubles.  Still…who's to say that a bracelet at half price isn't sexy?

But there were some things I couldn't help but notice:

Jenna Jameson needs a sandwich.
The girl modeling pasties (not to be confused with Cornish pasties, which would have been messy)
The $4,000 plastic doll – one was…oh, displayed and arrayed on a couch, but the other was hanging upright on a coathook!
The guy wearing a…prosthetic limb in the vicinity of his crotch posing with two girls wearing chains and plastic panties.
The guy dressed as a pirate.  Yo-ho-ho.  And here be hos.
The guy dressed as Captain Marvel
The guy dressed as Robin
The pornographic paramedic with his nurses wearing strips of denim skirts, black patent leather books and nurse's caps.
The chunky girl wearing a thong and a halter top.  We salute her bravado.  And her lack of a bra. (it was amusing to watch the men surreptitiously follow her around)
Assorted whips
Free paddles

I was then able to retreat to the comparative safety of our Room With A View(of the Zoo).

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14 responses to ““You Will Never Find…

  1. Free paddles!! oooh aubrey, how I love LA.

  2. Better you than me. Too bizarooooo. lol

  3. oooo I wish I could have watched from the safe zone. Island Girl Free Paddles are everywhere. You just have to have imagination. I have far too many kinky friends, I know a pervertable when I see it.

  4. i periodically checked the windows to see you guys looking down up us heathens!! i also learned that walking around with a notebook/pen is a great way to get attention from the vendors. and that "enchanceMints" are awful (start okay but quickly go bad).
    and they weren't so much paddles as paint stirrers with The Pleasure Chest logo on them (a good store btw – very low on the perv vibe and good staff). BDSM was actually surprising under-represented at the show (2 booths?).
    my chief disappointment about the "convention" is that it was basically porn companies selling vids, porn "stars" signing autographs, and a gazillion tiny booths all selling the exact same stuff – and all of that was stuff that can be found elsewhere for the same (or lower) prices. I can't imagine the booths did good business – the merchandise was geared to women but the majority of attendees were men. And even if women were looking for "toys" & clothing, with the quantity of stores in the greater LA area, there was no need to buy at the show (at least not while everything was full price – the late Sun, end of show, discounts are another matter).
    I also noticed that about 1/2 the female attendees were in the industry and the other 1/2 were "big girls". There were a few clothing booths catering to the starletts, but NONE for plus size women. There's a fortune to be made there… selling hard-to-find sexy plus size lingerie to women at an "erotica" convention… hello!?!?
    Still, it's fun to say I did it (good shock value). And I really enjoyed the burlesque seminar & show, and the Zumanity performance!!
    Glad your parents had fun. I wish I had a chance to meet them – I have a feeling I'd love them!!

  5. Another universe unveiled – thanks, Aubrey – this was the perfect complement to my wackadoodle morning!!

  6. Sounds like so much fun! I like Jenna Jameson though I heard she got that AWFUL (not to mention pointless) vagina "tightening" surgery and my respect for her plunged big time. WTF was she thinking?? I dunno, maybe it was a bad rumor.

  7. "pornographic paramedic"that should be the name of an album right there

  8. I think I'm glad I got to read about it rather than actually attend. Thank you, Aubrey, for the excellent reportage.

  9. "and they weren't so much paddles as paint stirrers with The Pleasure Chest logo on them"
    A co-worker brought a few back to the media room – do you mean we were using them wrong?

  10. Better through your eyes than mine, Aubrey! I'd rather imagine it than see it.

  11. Once again, thank you for allowing me to live vicariously through you! It sounds like a good time was had by many (perhaps many times over?). And I'm so glad your parents were there to enjoy the madness!

  12. I hate to admit it (almost) but I think I'd be like a kid in a candy store there. Do any strange men try to hit on you? I wouldn't like that part.

  13. "Do any strange men try to hit on you?"
    Any man trying to hit on me would be very strange indeed.

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