I am marking off the final minutes of this evening, taking careful note of the status of my mind and body, the way a scientist – whose curiosity has got the best of him – would do after taking a dose of poison.

I'll be fifty on June 6, and I am on careful watch for any change.

For instance, I am not under any impression that my bones are turning to powder.  I have no urge to get those damn kids off my lawn.  I don't want dinner at 3PM.

The minutes are passing…no, my hair has not spontaneously burst into gray and white (it's more like a slow burn, actually).  Liver spots haven't appeard on my hands like an uncalled-for galaxy.

So far, no alteration.  The dress still fits.  Nothing has happened?  Well, I'm tired, but its midnight, for Chrissakes.

Wait…was that a sign of becoming…crotchety? 

We'll have to address that startling possibility at some later date, because it's since changed from PM and AM and I too have apparently changed – or people would have me think so.  Because I'm now fifty years old.

But I feel exactly the same as I did five minutes ago.  I feel as I did five years ago, in fact.  And I'm a vast improvement over the Aubrey of 15 years ago; you'll just have to take my word on that.


So nothing, in fact, has changed.  How the devil about that?  Who'd have thought it?  Yes, Mrs. Gould, I'm asking you – am I what you expected?  And you, Ms. Starter Wife - what about you?


So am I to understand that 'cage' happens to have 'age' in it purely by linguistic accident?


Then perhaps it's up to me.  Me, not chronology.  Age hasn't a right to stop me.  Oh, other things do – a sense of shame, dignity, knowledge of the laws of the state of California…but not the other thing.  Ultimately, all the choices are mine.


And I choose to continue with my efforts to be fabulous.


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37 responses to “D-Day/B-Day

    I wish i read this before i consumed 3 vodka drinks, cause I'd make a custom card for you. daaaamn.
    remember when I invited you to see Harold & Maude at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery? That's happening THIS Saturday. It would make a great way to mark a milestone. PM me if you want to meet up (I hope to be there around 8p). "No worries" if you don't, I'll just assume you're busying celebrating in your own way.
    That continued fabulousity thing? Definitely not a prob for you!!

  2. Happy birthday!! Hope you have/had a wonderful day πŸ™‚

  3. May your birthday be the start of a time that brings you more joy than you could wish

    Happy Birthday

  4. A very happy birthday to you, lovely Aubrey. You have already achieved fabulousness.

  5. Happy Birthday!

  6. hey aubrey.. happy birthday!! πŸ˜€

  7. And I'm a vast improvement over the Aubrey of 15 years ago; you'll just have to take my word on that.Excellent. I took the liberty of mentioning your birthday in my blog, because, well, I love birthdays, and I think you are very cool. Have a great day!

  8. Happy birthday! Oh, and keep an eye on your hairstylist. I'm convinced that's the main thing that happens at 50. The newly 50 gets bushwhacked by an evil hairstylist who gives her an old woman helmet cut.

  9. Happy birthday! You make being fifty seem the most sublime, elegant, classy and fun age of all.

  10. I'm still amazed that you are 50 – all the 50 year olds I know have capitulated to Being Old. You are full of vim and vigor, and are gorgeous (Demi Moore, eat your heart out!) and I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

  11. A birthday! Yay! I love a party! Happy Birthday Aubrey!
    Like yourself, I'm also no good at math.How did you figure out you're 50? Are you sure? No don't bother checking. Sounds to me like you're only 15, since your vast improvement.
    I'm in ur home, decoratin', stockin' merriment.
    I'm at your office, decoratin', embarrassin'.
    I'm in your comments, partyin'.

  12. happy birthday and welcome to the glorious 50s. i turned 50 last year and i can highly recommend it. πŸ™‚

  13. Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day.

  14. Your fabulousness is only densifying.But Redz is right — keep an eagle eye on hairdressers.And sunscreen like mad.

  15. Wait, 50? Really? Damn, how can I be YOU when I get a little older?!


  16. yay! Happy birthday. You are fabulous.

  17. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUBREY! A good friend of mine turned 50 yesterday, and my cousin turned 50 in March. Hard to believe, and it makes me feel better about 40 coming up for me, because 50 doesn't seem so bad, looking at all you fab ladies!

  18. Most happiest of birthdays, dearest Aubrey!Your fabulousity will continue to inspire us all for years to come, I'm sure.

  19. 50? Heh. Happy Birthday, Baby! (I'm 55) r.

  20. Happy birthday!! i hope you've had a great one. my mom turns 56 this year, and every year she says, "this is the best age ever" – i love that attitude!

  21. It is now the next post-midnight and I offer birthday greetings! Not late – just extending the holiday joy πŸ™‚

  22. [isto Γ© bom]

  23. Thank you, one and all. I will keep your wishes, good thoughts, happiness and hair advice very close to me.
    Where are my presents?

  24. Happy Birthday. I'm right behind you. I will be 47 tomorrow, June 7.

  25. how the freak did I miss this?Happy belated birthday Aubrey πŸ™‚

  26. Happy Happy Fifties, Aubrey! I'm enjoying mine a LOT. No more hangups. No more worries about what people think. Bite me, all of you!!!! Hahahahaha!!!!!Sorry I am late, but Happy Birfday anyway! Look for something miraculous on your way home from work today. That will be my present to you! πŸ˜‰

  27. Ah hell, belated wishes from your forgetful friend. Fabulous at fifty! I miss you

  28. Happy belated 50th!

  29. aauuggghhh! how on earth did I miss this post?well, a day late but the intensity of the intent (yeah, feeling silly) is still there – Happy Birthday and I hope it was a fantabulous day for you!:-)

  30. Happy Celebrating Day!

  31. Lauri, I want to thank you for the Yorkie puppy I saw on my walk home, and for the very friendly mutt who very nearly tore my crochet skirt as he jumped on me to wish me a happy day-after birthday.
    And the sparrows were chattering very nicely – did you arrange for that particular symphony as well?

  32. Happy belated birthday, Aubrey. You are one of my top 3 favorite Vox personalities. I swear you should be syndicated. And I can't believe you're 50–you're the coolest 50 year old that I know, honestly. Please have a Sex on the Beach and/or sex on the beach for me. Cheers!

  33. Happy (belated) birthday from me and all the Miao Brothers, including your champion Batcat!

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