Porn Again

 

 

As Caligula returned from a self-induced 'hiatus' to proclaim himself a god reborn, so I have returned from Las Vegas – returned from witnessing the bacchinallia of the Adult Video News Awards Show:  porn again.

Our PR company has an interesting little side account with AVN: and that's how I'm able to work in the media room at Erotica L.A. each year, and how I was able to stand by the media check-in table at the AVN Awards Show last Saturday.  "The Academy Awards of Porn" – why not?  Being recognized for excellence in a particular skill, oh, say one that rhymes with 'flirting', keeps a performer on his/her toes, so to speak.

I should have brought my camera.  Our little table had the perfect vantage point – we literally had the first look at the stars, before they entered the crush on the red carpet.  Writing this would be easier if I knew them by sight.  I would have LOVED, for instance, to have known the name of the girl who appeared escorted by a midget. 

The ladies, as would be expected, ran to a certain type – blonde and tiny, save for the obvious exceptions (some more obvious than others).  But besides their petite figures they also seemed to have very large heads, which told me one thing:  someone hasn't been eating enough sandwiches.

The gowns worn were of the sheerest and finest – Frederick's finest, that is.  But several of the girls' chambermaids apparently forgot to lay out their underwear.  One came out, wearing a lilac-colored gown, with a long, tight skirt and a strapless bustier.  In back, the corset laces went all the way down her back.  Further, in fact.  Norma (the co-worker working with me) and I thought the dress very fine until we took a closer look and realized, again – no panties.

Some time later, the check-in quieted down.  Most of the tiresome media (about as motley a group as I've seen in quite a while) had been assigned their spots along the red carpet.  Those that had not received media passes but had showed up anyway were given the shove and all was serene.  That is, until I was dragged onto the red carpet myself.

Oh, the horror.  The problem was, the media crews were so demanding, jostling each other for just one more shot, just one more second of interview time, that a serious bottleneck was occuring, with 50-60 more groups still to walk the carpet, and the whole damned thing due to close in 1/2 hour.  There were five of us, trying to break into these Kodak moments and get the girls and boys to move on.  I don't know how many photographs I got caught in (thank goodness I wasn't smiling – believe me, I never felt less like it in my life).  I felt like a rabbit paralyzed by onrushing headlights.  Even my badge gave me no clout. (only a fraction is shown, as the entire badge does have a generous shot of female 'tocks)

Some girls were understanding and paid attention to my entreaties.  Penny Flame was pretty cool, "I know – keep on keepin' on."  And I will say that being on the carpet got me pretty close to Joanna Angel and Jenna Jameson.  Also, 
unfortunately, to Gene Simmons (he was a both presenter and recipient - of the "Golden Tongue Award" – along with CARROT TOP…too sick-making) and his new facelift.  I saw an actress in a surprisingly accurate 18th century gown – accurate save for one glaring ommission – the bottom 3/4's of her skirt.  Towards the end there was a group of 4-5 girls in sort of Medusa/Star Wars barroom scene/Battlestar Gallactica costumes (tiny little warning for this link) – all the photos I've since seen of them have been taken from the front, for a very good reason. They were being led by a very tiresome 'handler' who repeatedly told me that he was in charge of a very large group and could not be hurried.  When does one stop caring?

At one point a co-worker came rushing down the carpet, shouting into his walkie-talkie:  "Security, security – we have nipples on the red carpet!"  (yes, a couple of girls were out there in nothing but rhinestone g-strings) Someone had to come out ASAP with emergency pasties.

The show itself was pretty tacky – you might ask, "And you were expecting…?"  But that afternoon we had watched a dance number being rehearsed and it was pretty spectacular.  I thought the program would be sex + vogueing.  But not even – there was plenty of ass, but no class.  The acceptance speeches were…interesting; Jenna Haze's was pithy and to the point – something about tucking socks, I think.  The only one I was rooting for was  Smokin' Mary Jane – she has sort of a Bettie Page/Dita Von Teese look, and I was sorry that she didn't win (for 'Best Tease Performance').

The show ended at about 11P.  From 11P-1A a few of the winners appeared in the media room, where they posed for more shots.  I stood next to co-host Jessica Drake – whom I towered over, by the way.  She was drinking some water and asked vaguely for a napkin.  I handed it to her.

At 1A we were cut loose.  I was convinced to go out for a drink with some co-workers.  Bottomline, I didn't get to bed until 4A (after two splits of champagne) - not before I called the front desk to request a wake-up call for 5:30A.

I specifically asked for an early flight home.  For the first time in my life, I wanted to get OUT of Vegas.

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17 responses to “Porn Again

  1. LOL! Nipples on the red carpet and emergency pasties! That's awesome.Out here
    in flyover country we have big hairy fat guys walking around in sweaty
    wifebeater shirts with everything hanging out. Our solution: courtesy ponchos.
    Still in the concept stage–production models to come in spring
    2007–but you get the idea. It's not that different really. Vegas
    nipples = Midwestern armpits. What's the difference?

    Sounds like you had quite a weekend!

  2. Wow. Just wow. I've seen bits of the AVN on tv (mostly that Pornucopia show on HBO), and it just looks like it would be…exactly how you described it.

  3. I was in Vegas last week for CES – everyone was all a buzz about the upcoming porn convention! Exhausting certainly – but it sounds like you came back with quite a bit to talk about!I am reminded of the ONE (and only) time I went to the SF exotic erotic ball. It was mostly gross with men walking around in nothing but tennis shoes with the penis on a bit of cord like a puppet. I got groped by one of the many fake "doctors" who would say they were listening to your heart, then grab your boobs. I went BALLISTIC when that was done to me – I literally began pounding on the guy who was screaming for my husband to "get her off me!" Because it was SF – there were painted on outfits and lots of shows with spanking and stripping. It was fasinating in a train wreck sorta way.Oh and we were definately dressed. Course my husband did look alot like Marilyn Manson that night…

  4. 'hairy fat guys'? Sounds like you might be describing Ron Jeremy. He was there too.

  5. Uhm.Eeeyeah. Um. This weekend? I went in to work on Saturday, and along with a senior network tech who'd flown in the night before from Floriday (and man was he cold, MN is not his scene) we completely gutted & upgraded our office's LAN with sweet new Cisco hardware. Went swimmingly, too; we even got done early.So it seems this weekend was all about the technologically-enhanced racks. (And that's all I have to say about that.)

  6. What you're describing just might have been what happened at the after-show-party hosted by Wicked Pictures. I could have gone, but was just too tired. Had no idea I'd be up till 4AM!
    Oh, and we'll be doing the awards next year too – the 25TH ANNIVERSARY of the show. I'll need to grow a thick skin by then.

  7. Well, you successfully provided support; I just wish some of the racks I saw had some support that was equally efficient.
    C'mon girls! You don't want 'em scraping the ground when you hit 40!

  8. Agreed — prop 'em UP, girls!

    Although, since many of them are entirely fake, it's not such a problem; they can have them further surgically re-arranged.

  9. Wow, cool behind the scenes piece.It all seems so banal :-)Only slightly more interesting then the Golden Globes I guess (hummm, was that a pun?)

  10. Sounds like a fascinating, but exhausting night. More interesting to hear about than actually experience, I guess.[in Cliff Claven voice] As for the, uh, matter of providing supporting to a woman's, uh, bosoms, that is actually an old wives' tale–your average rack benefits from going unsupported on a regular basis, as the, uh, musculature of the bosom and the fascia attachments grow stronger by, uh, being used. So, the, uh, fact is that wearing a bra too often will actually increase the rate of saggage.(Although said in Cliff Claven voice, this happens to be true. Wear a bra too often, lose pectoral muscle tone and fascial resiliency.)

  11. Wow! Sounds really intriguing. (YOUR part of the work, that is.)Tewtally agree with RedZ. I hate em, but I gotta wear 'em to "keep up appearances." Duh.

  12. I'm having a great deal of fun imagining "We've got nipples on the red carpet!" over and over again in my head. That someone had the presence of mind to stock "emergency pasties" for just such an occasion…I'm impressed. But then, logistics was never a strong suit.
    Shameful confession: I've worked in the porn industry before, myself. It's about as tedious and banal as any other industry, really, but it's a great deal more likely to wreck your ability to relate to other people. I saw it happen to several of my contemporaries.

  13. Wow, fascinating post! I can definitely see all of it becoming just another job. But, it all sounds like it can never ending surprises. Island girl, I would hope that the nipples wouldn't be quite as hairy as the armpits!

  14. "Island girl, I would hope that the nipples wouldn't be quite as hairy as the armpits!"
    Lauri, do you realize what you just wrote?

  15. You should post this to the anti-GV group…

  16. Redz: another urban myth blasted!
    Umuhk: There's a phrase we use "step and stand" – referring to one's progress down the red carpet. It has to be constant or else the bottleneck I mentioned occurs. It represents also, I think, the tedium of all industries that take place in front of the camera.
    BrownA: You have a point. I'm sure plenty of those girls consider their GV their meal ticket.

  17. Too funny! I was at CES a few years ago and AVN was going on at the same time. It was one of the worst crushes of people I have ever seen (the Shanghai Pudong Airport being another). Most of the CES-bound business men would linger on their way to and from the convention center hoping to talk to or at least ogle the people at AVN. Really, if you don't see the badges, you couldn't tell the vendors at CES from the vendors at AVN. Thanks for the story!

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